The Bosshole Singularity
Stephen Hawking was a legendary scientist and a genius of our times who left the boundaries of this universe today. His life was dedicated to science, particularly to theoretical physics and cosmology.
However, unknowingly his work touched on corporate physics as well. Just like M-Theory postulates the existence of many universes, so do Stephen Hawking’s teachings carry over to many fields of study.
The corporate world is one such universe where the studies and observations made by Hawking can be used to explain everyday occurrences and phenomena.
Take singularities for instance. Blackholes as we now know them are objects with infinite mass contained in infinitely small spaces. Due to the high mass and low volume, they create a near infinite gravitational pull so that nothing, not even light can escape if caught in the gravitational pull. The laws of physics as we know them cease to exist as the high gravitational pull distorts space and time to create new realities. Similarly, in the corporate world the existence of Bossholes is a proven fact. This is the infinitely small point situated between the ears of bosses with infinite mass of stupidity. The result is that nothing escapes the gravitational pull of Bossholes. They are the places where brilliant ideas go to die. Concepts of time and space are distorted in Bossholes as reports that require 4 manhours to complete are required to be done in 10 minutes. By the same distortion customers should be visited often without any significant change in the travel expenses charged and sales people should remain in office during that same time. As stated, the physics are distorted due to a distortion in the fabric of space and time.
The irrefutable laws relating to Bossholes state that:
If two or more Bossholes are in agreement, the resulting stupidity of the Bossholes is greater than the stupidity of each individual Bosshole.
While it is established that the IQ of a Bosshole is zero, the IQ cannot be increased by the addition of any intelligent idea from an outside source.
The stupidity of a Bosshole is constant when the threshold of becoming a boss is achieved.
It is impossible by any procedure to increase the IQ of a boss through any sequence of operations.
Bossholes emit some radiation of ideas which is referred to as Bonehead Radiation. This radiation is characterized by the issuance of impractical memos, impossible timelines, improbable case studies, impossible price and sale projections as well as self-appreciating monologues.
The Bosshole is also subject to Ego Inflation which is characterized by the exponential inflation of ego as the status of Bossdom is reached before settling down to a lower expansion as actual results of performance come about.
An important characteristic of Bossholes is that they believe that the company did not exist before their ascension to Bossdom. The company therefore did not exist before the Bosshole and therefore all actions taken before are meaningless.
Multiple interpretations of actions can be formulated resulting in a multitude of results all of which can be construed as having positive or negative ramifications depending on the favorability of the result for the Bosshole. The multiple interpretations and results of actions can exist at the same time due to the previously stated distortion in the fabric of space and time. Just like the goldfish in a curved fishbowl has a distorted view of reality, so does to Bosshole have a distorted view of the form and function of the company from the luxury of the corner office.
Employees can create brilliant reports that explain the form and function of the company brilliantly and in non-technical language so even a layman can understand. However, all reports, presentations and memos pertaining to feasible ideas remain unread and unheard as they cross the event horizon of the Bosshole.